You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
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I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize