I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
