After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
