i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
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