end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
