Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
