Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
