there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
