Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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