if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
home. puking in laundry basket.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
then he tried to convert me to islam
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
