One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
