Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
