So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
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She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
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I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity