Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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