They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
