The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
