I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
