Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
