The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
A bitchslap is in order.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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