I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
