Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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