Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
