The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Randomize
