in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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