sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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