How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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