First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
