Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
