My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Randomize
