Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Randomize
