We're like a lot better than the average bears
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
