she kept yelling 'call me bella'
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
