The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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