burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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