girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
