in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
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