Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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