Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
