Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
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