Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
