Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
