My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
