Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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