I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
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