Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
