I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Randomize
