I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
