I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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