You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
