you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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