Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
