Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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