Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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