Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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