did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
