this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
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i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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