My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
