I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
So vagazzling was a success
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
