Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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