We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
