Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
