My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
