Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
