Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
